If You're Reading This
by Kyepie05
Summary: When they get the call that Sodapop Curtis isn't coming home from Vietnam, each member of the gang receive a letter that Soda wrote for them in case something happened to him. Inspired by the song If You're Reading This by Tim McGraw.


**I do not own _the Outsiders_! I'm just a huge fan. :) I also don't own If You're Reading This by Tim McGraw. I just heard it and got this idea.**

** I hope you like this!**

* * *

He was numb, as he headed back home, not because of the cold, although he _was_ wishing that he had gotten his jacket back from Ponyboy. No, he was numb from shock and sorrow. The last time he had felt this way was after Dally and Johnny had died. Somehow he hadn't expected something like this to spring back up. But greasers don't really get lucky breaks do they?

Two-Bit Matthews shook his head and stuffed his hands into his pockets. He started in surprise and stopped in his tracks as his hand found the envelope he had stuffed into his pocket earlier that day, during the funeral. Slowly, he pulled it out and looked at the messy handwriting on the front. In the center was his name and in the left-hand corner was Sodapop's. Two-Bit swallowed and stared down at the letter.

When Sodapop had shared the news that he had been drafted, Two-Bit remembered being in complete shock. Why Soda? But at the same time, he had been sure, _so sure_, that nothing would ever happen to Soda. How could someone who was so full of life be shot down so young? It couldn't happen. And yet, two weeks from his nineteenth birthday, Soda had been shot and killed.

He remembered when he had received the news. It started out a normal day. He'd gone down to the Curtis house and arrived to see Darry and Pony holding each other and crying together. He had never felt so unnerved in his life. He'd never even seen Darry cry. In his gut, he knew right then that it was Soda. He'd waited for them to address him as patiently as he could but it was difficult. His heart was pounding so loudly in his chest that for a second he thought that he wouldn't be able to hear them when they did finally speak. After what seemed like years, Darry managed to confirm the news. Two-Bit had felt like he might collapse before he got to a chair but luckily (if anything was lucky anymore) he didn't.

Now, he stared down at the letter that a soldier had handed him. The soldier had one for each of them. He said that Sodapop had written them "just in case".

Making up his mind not to wait until he got home, Two-Bit had the envelope open and the letter in his hands in a split second. Eagerly, his eyes moved across the page.

_Two-Bit,_

_Well, if you're reading this, I guess I ain't coming back home, huh? I'm leaving you with a lot of responsibility now Two-Bit._

Two-Bit smiled to himself and muttered, "Do you know me at all?" then continued to read.

_You gotta pick up some of these pieces. I know Steve won't be up to it. And of course Darry and Pony won't be. You gotta make sure they stay __happy and smile and laugh, all right? Don't be afraid to make jokes. And please don't stop mentioning me, no matter what dirty looks you get. Make a joke about some stupid stunt we pulled or something. I don't want everyone to be depressed anytime my name comes up. _

_And make the gang green pancakes or some other fun food sometime. Darry and Pony ain't that creative when it comes to meals. They never seemed to get how fun it was. But if I know them like I __think__ know I do, they're gonna miss it._

_And Two-Bit, thanks for keeping me laughing through the years. Thanks for having our backs through and through. You got us all through some tough times and I want you to know just how much I appreciated it. I don't know how many mornings I woke up to Mickey playing on the TV with you sitting on our couch with some of our food. I'll never forget the first time it happened. I'd expected Steve to be out there or somethin'. But I probably should've known since there was such a racket. I was so surprised to see you sitting there watching our TV. But by the second time there was no surprise. Just a "How's Mickey?" "Fine." "Cool. My parents up?" "Nah. And you're out of milk." "Oh. Okay."_

_So keep laughing. Keep joking. I'll sure miss hearing all your jokes but then again I got to hear 'em longer than most people did. And try not to feel too bad for me. I'm okay with this. Remember that where I'm going Mickey's on TV all the time._

_Your buddy,_

_Sodapop_

Two-Bit smiled a little, looking down at the letter. This was going to be hard, he thought to himself. He looked up at the sky, willing the tears to stop rolling down his face. He was Two-Bit Matthews for crying out loud. He didn't cry. He just didn't do it. But here he was, pretty much bawling. He swallowed it back and looked back at the letter.

"Okay, buddy," he croaked quietly. "I'll do it. Don't worry about them. I got this." Slowly, he folded the letter back up and put it in his pocket. He'd do it. He'd make green pancakes and he'd start joking and he'd talk about his friend. He'd do it for Sodapop.

* * *

Steve Randle lay awake on the couch in the Curtis house, staring at the ceiling. It was late but he couldn't manage to fall asleep. Sighing, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the envelope he had received a few hours ago. He swallowed, staring at it. Opening it was harder than he'd expected it to be. It felt final, as if Sodapop was really going to be gone when he read it. No matter how many times he told himself that his best friend was gone no matter how long he took to read it, he just hadn't managed to do it yet.

He sighed and moved into the kitchen, flicked on the light so he could see, and sat down against the refrigerator. It had all seemed so sudden and crazy when he first heard the news. He'd gone to the Curtis house and walked in to find a startling sight. Darry and Ponyboy were crying together on the couch while Two-Bit sat in absolute silence in a chair, his face somber and shocked. It had taken him only a second to understand, although the moment the thought entered his head he wanted to shove it away.

"Soda?" he managed to choke out eventually. Two-Bit met his gaze and nodded his head. Steve's legs gave out and the next thing he knew he was kneeling on the floor.

"He's dead," Two-Bit told him softly. "Died in battle."

The main thought in Steve's head was _Why wasn't it me instead? Why didn't they draft me instead?_

Now, Steve couldn't take his eyes off of what would be the last thing his best friend in the world would ever say to him. He couldn't imagine life without Soda. They had been inseparable for so long. He remembered how their teachers had wondered how long their friendship would last. Steve knew the answer. Steve had always known the answer. They'd be best friends forever, for all of their lives. But now he realized that "all of their lives" just wasn't as long as he had been hoping for.

Drawing in a deep breath, he opened the letter.

_Dear Steve,_

_If you're reading this I'm gone. I'm sorry, man. I know I'd be having a tough time if our roles were reversed here. To be honest, writing this is hard enough. _

_I'm not sure there are really words to tell someone how much they mean to you when you've been there for each other through the worst and the best of things. We picked fights with socs together, we worked together, we joked together, we grew up together. You're another brother to me, man. You better know that by now. It's like you're blood. Mom always used to joke that she finally found that other kid she had always wanted. Did I ever tell you that?_

_I know you haven't always gotten along with Darry and Pony but they're still your family too. Trust me. They're gonna need you just as bad as you need them._

It was true. Here he was sleeping on their couch. He had even started having more patience for Ponyboy than he ever had before. During the funeral, he had lost count of how many times he had hugged the younger Curtis. It wasn't because he felt obligated to or just because Ponyboy was Soda's brother. He had wanted to. He had needed the comfort but he'd wanted to help Ponyboy as well. He gave a small, sad smile as he realized that Soda, once again, had called it. He felt a pain in his gut, however, as he realized that he and Ponyboy had, once in a while, also put Sodapop in a middleman position, just like Ponyboy and Darry had used to. "I can't believe we did that to you man," he whispered to himself. He'd listen to Soda grumble about Pony and Darry a thousand times and had never even thought about what he was doing... Guiltily, he kept reading.

_I'll miss ya man. You and I have been through an awful lot together. Working with you at the DX sure was fun though. And I always remember that time you and I got into all that trouble in the third grade. We was tossing rocks to see who could throw the furthest and almost hit our teacher in the head. Boy did we get in trouble! _

_You want the truth? And I hope it'll make you feel better, pal. I'm okay with this. It's all right. I died serving our country. If I had to die, that's a pretty okay way to go, right? Seems real tuff to me. Don't waste time feeling bad for me. I lived a full life. Because I lived life to the fullest I think I probably lived more than most people who live to be 80 do. _

_Keep living, Steve. Be happy. Joke around with the guys. When you get bored, make it fun or find something else fun to do. Also, work on your cheating skills in poker. They sure ain't good._

"Neither are yours buddy," Steve muttered, smiling to himself through his tears.

_Thanks for being there for me through the years. It's meant the world to me. You're the best friend I could've asked for. _

_Your pal,_

_Sodapop_

Steve set the letter down on the floor and wiped his eyes, unable to shake the bittersweet feeling his friend had left him with. Sodapop was a real pal. That was for sure. They'd gone to school together until Soda dropped out, worked together, hung out together, fought side by side, and somehow never got sick of each other. They were the best friends you'd ever find. Steve was sure he'd never find a friend like Sodapop. Soda would be his best friend for as long as he was breathing.

So, especially if it was the last thing he ever asked him for, he could sure live for Soda.

* * *

It was the night after Sodapop's funeral and Darry was not feeling up to doing much of anything. As he walked into his bedroom after a long day, he planned to go right to sleep.

He was doing his best. He tried to keep Ponyboy's spirits up and tried to seem as amused as he could when Two-Bit made jokes and did his best to be there for Steve. But in moments like this, moments when he was alone, he allowed his features to relax and his face to show just how depressed and beaten down he felt. He was tired. He was tired of watching people he loved die. After their parents had died, he had become even more protective than usual. Then, after Johnny and Dally, he was reminded how quickly a person can be taken from your life. That wouldn't happen to Pony or Soda though. He was determined to keep his brothers safe.

But he failed.

Darry threw himself onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. When he had heard the news, he hadn't believed it. He hadn't been able to wrap his head around it. The phone had rang and he had answered, expecting Two-Bit or Steve or someone else along those lines.

But he heard an unfamiliar voice instead. "Is this Darrel Curtis? I'm calling about Sodapop Curtis."

Darry's mind went into overdrive as he only half-listened to the man on the other end introduce himself. Millions of scenarios were running through his mind. He was paralyzed, he had amnesia… He worked his hardest to keep one other out of his mind. The one that scared him the most. But then he'd heard the words that confirmed his worst fear: "I'm sorry to inform you that Sodapop Curtis has been killed in combat."

"Excuse me?" he's croaked. The man repeated it. "Well, there's been some mistake," he had told him desperately. Heaving a sigh, the man talked on for several minutes. Darry had only caught bits and pieces. He hadn't even realized that he was crying until he had hung up and Ponyboy had entered the room.

Now Darry could hardly believe how long it had been since Soda's laugh had echoed animatedly throughout the house. He couldn't believe how long it had been since his brother had thrown his arm around Ponyboy and messed with his hair then jogged to Darry and dealt him a playful punch in the arm. It had been ages since Sodapop and Steve had sat and played poker with each of them attempting, and failing, to cheat. It had been a long time since he'd eaten green pancakes or chocolate cake with too much icing.

None of those things would happen again. Because he had failed to protect him. Oh, he knew that his baby brother was drafted and there was nothing he could have done about it. But a thousand "what ifs" continued to overwhelm his mind. He was the big brother. It came back to him in the end. It was his responsibility.

"I'm sorry, Pepsi-Cola… I'm sorry I let you down…" he whispered. Darry rolled onto his side and reached over to turn off the light but stopped, hand on the switch, when he noticed the envelope resting against it.

He hadn't opened it yet. He'd gone home with Ponyboy and Steve after the funeral and had just focused on getting the three of them through the day. Two-Bit had come over a little bit later, more lively than he had been in days. Vaguely, Darry had wondered what made the difference but he hadn't had the energy to ponder it or ask him. He had fixed dinner as Two-Bit ran around the house trying to get someone to play poker with him. Steve had threatened him after a while of it and Two-Bit quieted down, settling with watching Mickey on TV instead. When Two-Bit had gone home the house quieted down immediately and Pony, Steve, and Darry had all just gone to bed, none of them sharing Two-Bit's energy or entertainment in watching Mickey. He had gone straight to sleep, then gotten up the next morning to find Steve cooking breakfast, much to his surprise, and wrestled Pony out of bed, as he had pretty much every morning since they'd received the news.

He managed to get Ponyboy to school and get to work in decent time then got home and repeated the process, only this time Steve consented into playing a game of poker with Two-Bit. Even if he was still subdued, it was good to see Steve functioning again. By the time Darry went to bed, he was just glad he made it through the day.

He had forgotten about the letter until now. Slowly, Darry moved his hand to the envelope and lay on his back again, looking at it for a long moment before beginning to open it. He tossed the envelope on the bed next to him and began to read.

_Darry,_

_If you're reading this I'm not coming back home. I'm sorry, man. I tried to get back. But things happen. _

_Listen, there's one thing I want you to know more than anything else. It isn't your fault. There was nothing you could do. Even if I had enlisted instead of been drafted, there would have been nothing. You couldn't have talked me out of it, I hope you know that. You know me, I'm stubborn. You wouldn't have stood a chance. And it's not like you could follow me out there. You have Pony here. It isn't your fault. I really hope you listen to me and stop blaming yourself. There was nothing you could do. Crap happens._

_I am sorry it's happening though. I remember how hard it was when Mom and Dad died. And I remember how scared you were when Pony and Johnny went into hiding. And how it was after Johnny and Dally died. It's been a rough few years. I know it's probably real quiet around the Curtis house right now. _

_I had a good life, Darry. You did good by me. I have two brothers (by blood) who love me and would do anything for me. I've got two more who aren't even blood related. I'm a lucky guy. _

_I'd like to ask you for a few things. First off, start stocking chocolate cake again. Just because I'm not home to put the effort into it doesn't mean you two need to stop eating it! I know you both well enough to know you didn't bother with it when I left so go out and get some cake. If you feel like it you can even plop a few extra cups of sugar in the frosting for me._

_Second, smile. Relax. The world is not on your shoulders. Darrel Shaynne Curtis, you are 22 years old. I know you're worried about Ponyboy but he's a tough kid. He'll pull through. He wouldn't want you to be miserable because you couldn't stop worrying. And try not to fight with him. You guys have been doing real good the past two years. Keep that up for me please._

_Third, I want you to accept that it wasn't your fault. Please._

_Fourth, assuming you did what I always wanted and had me cremated, will you do me a favor and spread my ashes? I'm not sure where I want them spread. I'm leaving that to you, my big brother who always knew me so darn well. Just somewhere you think I'd like. _

_Darry, thanks for doing everything you did. You kept Ponyboy and me out of a boys' home. You didn't have to. But you did. You really are Superman you know. You're a hero to your two brothers. _

_Thank you for everything. You're one great role model you know. I'm glad I had you around._

_I love you Darry. Never forget that. _

_Love, _

_Sodapop_

_P.S. Try not to worry or feel bad for me. I'll tell Mom and Dad hi._

Darry stared at the paper, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I love you too little buddy," he whispered, wiping his eyes. He closed his eyes, sucking in a deep breath as he tried to calm himself. Soda was a genius, he realized. Soda had always said he was dumb, Darry knew he wasn't of course, but it was obvious, especially now, that Soda had no idea how smart he really was.

Things were making sense to him now. He was willing to bet that Two-Bit had read his letter right after the service. That was why he started joking again and goofing around. Steve had been snapping at him for it but by the next day Steve was up and making breakfast and playing poker. He had probably read it sometime during the night.

Soda knew all of them. He knew that things might be easier if they heard straight from him what he wanted them to do. People always say "He'd want me to be happy" or "He'd want me to spend more time with our family." But most never know for sure. They did and somehow it helped.

Make a chocolate cake. Darry shook his head, tears still slipping down his face, a small smile sliding onto his face. The kid wanted to be remembered. He wanted life to go on. He didn't want it to stop for anyone, not even himself. They could keep Sodapop Curtis around by doing their thing and remembering him. It was how they'd honor him.

Darry got up to make that chocolate cake for his genius kid brother.

* * *

Ponyboy went to bed as soon as he could and got up as late as he could. He didn't feel like talking to anyone or eating much. It was Soda that was on his mind most of the time.

They'd spread his ashes a couple of days ago. Darry said that he'd asked them to but hadn't been specific as to where. Finally, they had decided to _spread_ them. They put a little bit in different places because Soda never could stay still. He'd get bored in one place. Why would it be any different now? Pony had helped decide one of the places. It was a hilltop with a great view of the sunset. Soda could never sit still for one but he knew that if he had he would have liked it.

A week had passed since the service and he could see life slowly starting to improve, not that he _felt_ like it was getting any better. No matter what Sodapop was still dead. Ponyboy sat next to Steve on the couch. Darry was already in bed after a hard day at work. Normally, Ponyboy would be in bed by now as well but after being called out by Darry for sleeping too much, he decided to stay awake a little longer tonight.

"You wanna play a round of poker?" Steve asked quietly, throwing Pony through a loop. Steve never really asked him to do anything. They had never gotten along too well. Steve had always thought he was a tag along, just Soda's little brother. Even though they had gotten along better recently, they still hadn't spent much time together. They just comforted each other every now and then.

After Pony was quiet for several minutes, Steve said quietly, "Just a round or two. For something to do?" He wanted to help. Even Pony could tell that. "We're in this together," Steve said softly after another few minutes.

They played three rounds before Pony went to his room. He sat at his desk and began organizing some of the papers on it for something to do. Darry had reminded him that he had to keep functioning. Not wanting another blow out like they'd had when Johnny and Dally died, Pony was trying to do better. He was. But it was hard.

He blinked as he picked up the letter from Sodapop. He hadn't read it yet. Reading it was like saying goodbye, like the memorial service had been. He couldn't remember ever crying as hard as he had at the service and when the phone had rang on that terrible day.

Ponyboy thought back to the day that would be forever etched in his memory. He had come out of his room and spotted Darry crying on the couch, hand on the phone. Darry had taken a few minutes to realize he was there and then motioned for him to join him. Once he was seated beside his older brother, Darry explained as calmly as he could that Soda had been killed in the war. Pony had fallen into Darry's arms and they cried together for what seemed like, and probably was, the rest of the day.

Sodapop had wanted him to read it, he reminded himself. He glanced at his copy of _Gone with the Wind_ and swallowed. He'd read one from Johnny. He could do this.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the letter.

_Ponyboy,_

_If you're reading this, I'm gone. I know it hurts and I know it's real hard right now. I remember how scared and upset I was when you disappeared on us. I don't think I ever told you but I bawled every night while you were gone. Told you I was the bawl baby in the family. But believe me when I say things will get better, Pony. They will. You're tough, you'll get through it._

_I want you to do something for me. Don't fight with Darry again. You guys are brothers…. All you've got. Don't fight again. And I need you to keep focusing on school. You ain't dumb like me. You're smart and you can go far. So go for it. Shoot for the stars, kid. You hear me? Keep working and don't let this through you off course. Do it for me will you?_

_I'm sure gonna miss stickin' up for you with socs and the like. But you know what Pony? You'd be awful proud of me. I see what you meant about fighting. I see why you think it's a waste of time. I get it. I told you you were the smartest of us. _

_If your nightmares come back let one of the gang know. At least Darry. I'm sure sorry I ain't gonna be there to help with 'em. _

_I'm proud of you, Pony. I always have been. You ain't like most of us. You're sensitive and smart. You got things we didn't. I was always proud to say "That's my brother". And whenever I invited you to go out with me and Steve it wasn't because I thought I should, it was because I wanted to. I liked spending time with you Pony. I liked it a real lot._

_Smile and laugh with the guys okay? Don't sulk forever and don't go gettin depressed on me. That won't do. Wrestle and play poker and watch Mickey Mouse and eat weird food. Don't forget about me but don't dwell on me either. Try to smile when you think about me all right?_

_I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad hi for you. In a hundred years or so you can tell em yourself. But that better not happen for a long while, you hear? I'm looking out for you just like always._

_I think you'd like to know that I finally sat still long enough to see a sunset. It was real pretty. I see why you like it so much. Kind of makes me wish I paid attention to the little stuff like that before._

_I love you Ponyboy. You're one great brother and I'm a lucky guy. You always had my back. Darry always tells me about how excited I was when Mom and Dad brought you home. And he says that when you were a toddler and learning to walk every time you fell down I'd be at your side telling you you could do it. Life's gonna be like that. Always. I'm never leaving you. I'm your big brother. I'm forever looking out for you and rushing to your side when you fall to make sure you know you can do it. Even now. You're not alone._

_You're my kid brother and I love you Pony._

_With love,_

_Sodapop_

Ponyboy wiped his eyes quickly as the tears spilled over his face. Soda had always been there for him. Life without Soda… It was hard to imagine. Soda could brighten any room he walked into, even when he had had a bad day.

But the point Soda was trying to make, Ponyboy realized, was that he was still around. Soda was a part of all of them. He meant too much to all of them to cease to exist. They wouldn't let it happen.

Looking back at the note again, he noticed something at the bottom of the page. A PS.

_P.S. I can see the sunset real good from where I'm at._

* * *

**I hope you liked it guys! Please review!**


End file.
